If there’s one thing I remember about Baldur’s Gate 3, it’s the amusement I got out of reading item descriptions and notes – and it turns out that Larian Studios likely had just as much fun while writing them as players like me did going over them.
There’s plenty to love about the ridiculous (in a positive way, of course) writing in Baldur’s Gate 3, from the creative Vicious Mockery insults to the item descriptions developers likely knew many folks would just glance over – not me, though. Not me.
I still recall reading the note on Astarion’s underwear: “If you’re reading this, you managed to bed or behead me. Either way, you got lucky.” I’ll never forget it… and there are plenty more like it.
The devs are well aware of the funny text, too, with writer Jack Fields joking in an online clip about it: “The absolute shite that I was able to write into Baldur’s Gate 3 flavor text… and they let me!”
He uses Fleshrender, a rare Shortsword you can get during Act Three, as an example. “The previous owner was going to call this sword Barney,” reads its description, “but he got such a bollocking from his friends that he named it Fleshrender instead, and sulked for a whole tenday afterward.”
Amazing, truly – and that’s not the only one Fields goes over. In another video, he brings up the Shield of Shielding and its own description, which he says is one of his personal favorites. “Named in the style of Extremely Unimaginative Jimmy, the geographer and interior decorator who named the ‘waterfall’ and the ‘fireplace.'”
Yep, that one is pretty good. Still not as good as Astarion’s underwear, in my opinion, but good nonetheless.
Fields also notes one that had me nearly rolling: the description of the Horns of the Berserker. “This was created by a designer and an enchanter who were going through a messy divorce at the time. As such, the armour is filled with active-aggressive rage. It also makes you feel like you’ve wasted the last ten years picking up after a complete tit.”
This is the sort of text I live for in video games, honestly – especially as a Dungeons & Dragons fan.
I would suggest keeping an eye on Fields’ social media for more description text chaos – it appears he’s posting various clips on different platforms, and they’re all worth watching, if you ask me. Or, give Baldur’s Gate 3 another go… why not, eh?
Baldur’s Gate 2 is reportedly getting a remake, and Wizards of the Coast likely isn’t stopping there either.
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